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Help[Facts] I thought she'd sliced off and mailed her buttock!
in reply to a message by Daividh
So THAT'S what that was? You know, I almost didn't open the package, but then I read the accompanying note from Elaine:
"I am so sorry that you brought out the worst in me on your message board. It was not my fault but that hardly matters now because none of you will ever be able to see that. If only you all weren't such a bunch of jerks about giving stupid names to children and if only you all realized how abusive that is to children then you would not have treated me so disrespectfully. But it is too late now and I won't hold it against you even though you jerks know you were wrong and that you were jerks and you just won't admit it to spite me. All I wanted to do was to bring a little enlightenment to you and teach you something about good manners just as Miss Manners would have done. But I see that it was all in vain because you wouldn't listen to me but that's all right now. I am not going to let it bother me but instead I am going to just curl up on my living room sofa and obsessively pull out my eyelashes. I am not even angry at Nanaea anymore [ouch!] and I no longer hate her with a [OUCH!] blinding white-hot rage and I have forgiven [ouch! owwww!] her and I no longer wish that she be [OW!] shot in the head. I am nearly done now [owwwww, yowwitch!] pulling out all my eyelashes and I feel very, very calm. So please except my small token of a peace offering and may you remember me kindly. Shalom."
But when I opened the package, it was like, GOOD GAWD, WHAT THE FREAK? WHAT *IS* THAT NASTY THING?!! DID SHE MAIL ME HER BUTTOCK???
-- Nanaea
"I am so sorry that you brought out the worst in me on your message board. It was not my fault but that hardly matters now because none of you will ever be able to see that. If only you all weren't such a bunch of jerks about giving stupid names to children and if only you all realized how abusive that is to children then you would not have treated me so disrespectfully. But it is too late now and I won't hold it against you even though you jerks know you were wrong and that you were jerks and you just won't admit it to spite me. All I wanted to do was to bring a little enlightenment to you and teach you something about good manners just as Miss Manners would have done. But I see that it was all in vain because you wouldn't listen to me but that's all right now. I am not going to let it bother me but instead I am going to just curl up on my living room sofa and obsessively pull out my eyelashes. I am not even angry at Nanaea anymore [ouch!] and I no longer hate her with a [OUCH!] blinding white-hot rage and I have forgiven [ouch! owwww!] her and I no longer wish that she be [OW!] shot in the head. I am nearly done now [owwwww, yowwitch!] pulling out all my eyelashes and I feel very, very calm. So please except my small token of a peace offering and may you remember me kindly. Shalom."
But when I opened the package, it was like, GOOD GAWD, WHAT THE FREAK? WHAT *IS* THAT NASTY THING?!! DID SHE MAIL ME HER BUTTOCK???
-- Nanaea
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Replies
Nan,
Thanks for sharing the full text of her kiss-and-make-up note with us. : ) I wasn't privy (yeah, that's the right word) to a copy of Elaine's full sentiment before.
I know the contents of the package may have looked a bit alarming, but if you'd looked closer, you would have seen that it COULDN'T have been her buttock.
No trace of trichina worms anywhere.
Thanks for sharing the full text of her kiss-and-make-up note with us. : ) I wasn't privy (yeah, that's the right word) to a copy of Elaine's full sentiment before.
I know the contents of the package may have looked a bit alarming, but if you'd looked closer, you would have seen that it COULDN'T have been her buttock.
No trace of trichina worms anywhere.
1
BLACK MARKET BUTTOCKS! (Not just an Urban Legend)
All this talk about buttocks has reminded me of a truly horrific tale I heard told recently, from a friend of a friend. You've heard about the current foot-and-mouth disease epidemic in England, right? And how thousands of cows, sheep, and pigs have had to be slaughtered in order to curtail the epidemic? Thus creating a shortage of meat? Well, this story comes straight from England. BELIEVE IT... OR NOT!
A young man recalls going out for an evening of fun at a club, but the last thing he remembers is accepting a drink from a strange woman. The next thing he knows, he's waking up in a bathtub in a seedy motel. The bathtub is filled to the brim with ice, and the young man is completely numb all over (as well as completely nude). He's not entirely certain what has happened and, as he rises somewhat unsteadily from the ice-filled bathtub, he feels a strange sensation in his backside. He slowly reaches back there with one hand... to discover... that....
HIS BUTTOCKS ARE GONE!!!!
His buttocks have been surgically removed! He's buttock-less! The horror is overwhelming!!
Meanwhile...
In a little thatched cottage in the wolds of Yorkshire, a family is about to sit down to their annual Easter feast. Mum proudly brings the honey-baked ham on a platter to the dinner table, and the entire family beams up at her in happy anticipation.
But then, little Trevor (an astute seven-year-old) peers intently at the steaming mound of meat that Daddy is about to carve. "Daddy," asks little Trevor. "How come the ham has pimples?"
So let that be a warning to you. If you go out to party this weekend, HOLD ONTO YOUR BUTTOCKS!
Happy Easter to all my friends who happen to celebrate that holiday. :)
-- Nanaea
All this talk about buttocks has reminded me of a truly horrific tale I heard told recently, from a friend of a friend. You've heard about the current foot-and-mouth disease epidemic in England, right? And how thousands of cows, sheep, and pigs have had to be slaughtered in order to curtail the epidemic? Thus creating a shortage of meat? Well, this story comes straight from England. BELIEVE IT... OR NOT!
A young man recalls going out for an evening of fun at a club, but the last thing he remembers is accepting a drink from a strange woman. The next thing he knows, he's waking up in a bathtub in a seedy motel. The bathtub is filled to the brim with ice, and the young man is completely numb all over (as well as completely nude). He's not entirely certain what has happened and, as he rises somewhat unsteadily from the ice-filled bathtub, he feels a strange sensation in his backside. He slowly reaches back there with one hand... to discover... that....
HIS BUTTOCKS ARE GONE!!!!
His buttocks have been surgically removed! He's buttock-less! The horror is overwhelming!!
Meanwhile...
In a little thatched cottage in the wolds of Yorkshire, a family is about to sit down to their annual Easter feast. Mum proudly brings the honey-baked ham on a platter to the dinner table, and the entire family beams up at her in happy anticipation.
But then, little Trevor (an astute seven-year-old) peers intently at the steaming mound of meat that Daddy is about to carve. "Daddy," asks little Trevor. "How come the ham has pimples?"
So let that be a warning to you. If you go out to party this weekend, HOLD ONTO YOUR BUTTOCKS!
Happy Easter to all my friends who happen to celebrate that holiday. :)
-- Nanaea
1
And Invite The Royals While We're At It...
After four days off work, I ran out of excuses today not to do household chores, so I'm in the mood for a wee rant. Here goes:
The foot-and-mouth disease thing is only the bloody disaster it is thanks to the European Union. And it wouldn't surprise me if Tony's government takes the fall for the Frogs and Belgies.
Lessee - the Brits have already destroyed over a million head of livestock, scheduled another half-mil for slaughter, raised great stinking heaps of rotting carcasses in the pristine countryside, decimated their agricultural economy, put their tourism in the toilet, and all for a disease that affects only 5-10% of the animals exposed, doesn't render the meat inedible, and doesn't kill or harm humans??!! (Except the bloody poor ruined farmers who've been driven to suicide.) What kind of insanity is this?!!
Blame the cursed Belgie bureaucrats who want to control the world and the arse-sucking French Farmers Union which looks for any excuse to zap the Brits! Am I missing something, or is the remedy far worse than the disease?!
Welcome to Europa Unie, my brothers! This and the wretched Brit greengrocer who's currently being fined heavily under EU regulations for having the cheek to sell produce by the pound instead of the kilo are just the beginning.
Sweet Jaysus, I only hope that the good working people of Manchester, Minehead, and Middlesbrough, among others, will come to their senses, rise up, and restore Britain to her own people before it's too late. Oh yeah, and flood the Channel Tunnel, too -- with Elaine and the EU Commissioners in it.
Thanks for your time. I feel better now, thank you.
After four days off work, I ran out of excuses today not to do household chores, so I'm in the mood for a wee rant. Here goes:
The foot-and-mouth disease thing is only the bloody disaster it is thanks to the European Union. And it wouldn't surprise me if Tony's government takes the fall for the Frogs and Belgies.
Lessee - the Brits have already destroyed over a million head of livestock, scheduled another half-mil for slaughter, raised great stinking heaps of rotting carcasses in the pristine countryside, decimated their agricultural economy, put their tourism in the toilet, and all for a disease that affects only 5-10% of the animals exposed, doesn't render the meat inedible, and doesn't kill or harm humans??!! (Except the bloody poor ruined farmers who've been driven to suicide.) What kind of insanity is this?!!
Blame the cursed Belgie bureaucrats who want to control the world and the arse-sucking French Farmers Union which looks for any excuse to zap the Brits! Am I missing something, or is the remedy far worse than the disease?!
Welcome to Europa Unie, my brothers! This and the wretched Brit greengrocer who's currently being fined heavily under EU regulations for having the cheek to sell produce by the pound instead of the kilo are just the beginning.
Sweet Jaysus, I only hope that the good working people of Manchester, Minehead, and Middlesbrough, among others, will come to their senses, rise up, and restore Britain to her own people before it's too late. Oh yeah, and flood the Channel Tunnel, too -- with Elaine and the EU Commissioners in it.
Thanks for your time. I feel better now, thank you.
1
Gotta agree with you on all the current foot'n'mouth hysteria over in England. John tells me that he can remember at least two other foot'n'mouth outbreaks in his lifetime, but there was never (as far as he can recall) this amount of slaughter in the past.
By the way, has your brother-in-law ever told you about Plum Island and what kind of research they're *really* doing over there? I ask, because Plum Island has been in the news recently, as being the only depository of the foot'n'mouth virus in North America, for "agricultural" research purposes. But of course, those of us who grew up on Long Island during the Cold War have another idea as to what kind of research has really been going on over on Plum Island all these years...
And then there's The Montauk Project, too... Our own Long Island X-File. :)
-- Nanaea
By the way, has your brother-in-law ever told you about Plum Island and what kind of research they're *really* doing over there? I ask, because Plum Island has been in the news recently, as being the only depository of the foot'n'mouth virus in North America, for "agricultural" research purposes. But of course, those of us who grew up on Long Island during the Cold War have another idea as to what kind of research has really been going on over on Plum Island all these years...
And then there's The Montauk Project, too... Our own Long Island X-File. :)
-- Nanaea
1
I've always heard of Plum Island in the context of anthrax research, and for all I know Ebola and dengue fever too. Whatever's going on out there, the rumble is it's bio-warfare related.
Haven't heard about the Montauk Project. I'll hafta ask my man Carl (who, by the way, is far from being a wild-eyed radical, but still staunchly maintains that TWA 800 was taken out by a missile).
Did I ever tell you about our little neighborhood apocalyptic menace? It's called the Blue Grass Chemical Activity, and it's a humongous (miles across) fenced expanse of rolling farmland, much bigger than our small city, just on the edge of town.
Didja ever wonder where old nerve gas delivery systems (artillery shells, etc) go to die? Right here. You vant noive gas? Vat kind noive gas you vant? GB? VX? The back of our phone book has a detailed 6-page evacuation plan by city sector "in the unlikely event of blah blah blah". Go Zone 5-A! We rool!
Funny thing is, people joke about being "upwinders" or "downwinders" but it doesn't affect property values one bit. This is the fastest growing city and county in Kintuckie. Go figure.
Haven't heard about the Montauk Project. I'll hafta ask my man Carl (who, by the way, is far from being a wild-eyed radical, but still staunchly maintains that TWA 800 was taken out by a missile).
Did I ever tell you about our little neighborhood apocalyptic menace? It's called the Blue Grass Chemical Activity, and it's a humongous (miles across) fenced expanse of rolling farmland, much bigger than our small city, just on the edge of town.
Didja ever wonder where old nerve gas delivery systems (artillery shells, etc) go to die? Right here. You vant noive gas? Vat kind noive gas you vant? GB? VX? The back of our phone book has a detailed 6-page evacuation plan by city sector "in the unlikely event of blah blah blah". Go Zone 5-A! We rool!
Funny thing is, people joke about being "upwinders" or "downwinders" but it doesn't affect property values one bit. This is the fastest growing city and county in Kintuckie. Go figure.
1
Zone 5-A? Cooooool! :)
Oh, and you don't have to ask yo' man Carl about the Montauk Project. Just do a Google search for "Montauk Project" and you'll turn up the most amazing stuff. :)
I'll have to tell you about the time I brought out-of-state visitors out there to see the place, and we were set all set to go through the fence and walk the some-odd miles to the old facility and break in. But John wussed out and wouldn't get out of the car. And then a government-type car came from out of NOWHERE, and John hollered for us to pile back in the car and then he burned rubber outta there. :)
-- Nanaea
Oh, and you don't have to ask yo' man Carl about the Montauk Project. Just do a Google search for "Montauk Project" and you'll turn up the most amazing stuff. :)
I'll have to tell you about the time I brought out-of-state visitors out there to see the place, and we were set all set to go through the fence and walk the some-odd miles to the old facility and break in. But John wussed out and wouldn't get out of the car. And then a government-type car came from out of NOWHERE, and John hollered for us to pile back in the car and then he burned rubber outta there. :)
-- Nanaea
1
Ah. I see from this story convincing evidence that our own Food Lion has finally joined Tesco, Sainburys, and Safeway as one of Yorkshire's leading supermarket chains!
1
Yes but is England ready for the Kentucky Food Lion? :)
Before he retired, my father-in-law used to be the stock control manager for the Danish Bacon Company in the northern region of England, and he got a lot of freebies all the time. But I couldn't say for certain if The Danish Bacon Co. supplied the best buttocks, as John and I frequented the local fish'n'chips shop 'round the corner more than his mum's dinner table. ;)
-- Nanaea
Before he retired, my father-in-law used to be the stock control manager for the Danish Bacon Company in the northern region of England, and he got a lot of freebies all the time. But I couldn't say for certain if The Danish Bacon Co. supplied the best buttocks, as John and I frequented the local fish'n'chips shop 'round the corner more than his mum's dinner table. ;)
-- Nanaea
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that is a really disgusting story. A very observant seven year old with a mouth to say wahtever is on his mind. hmmm. do any of you know any angrams for the name Danielle?
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"that is a really disgusting story."
@@@@ Thank you! :) But Daividh gets the prize today for his "slice, slice, vacuum, vacuum." ALL HAIL DAIVIDH!!!! :)
-- Nanaea
@@@@ Thank you! :) But Daividh gets the prize today for his "slice, slice, vacuum, vacuum." ALL HAIL DAIVIDH!!!! :)
-- Nanaea
1
You are all so entertaining and informative. I appreciate it. The stories an here are wonderful and I have learned so much about names. I sit around and name my grandchildren which I hope are at least 15 years away(and I have no doubt I won't get to name them)but at least the thought is entertaining. I think that naming children is the best thing about having them.
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Thank you, Tracie -- and welcome to Behind-the-Name Land! :)
-- Nanaea
-- Nanaea
1